
Painting: “The Forgotten Man”—Jon McNaughton
I received this email the other day from a friend and wanted to share it with my like-minded readers. You may have already received it but for those who haven’t and my Liberal friends—this is for you.
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and different tastes.
We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election has made us realize that we want a divorce.
I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. It’s not me it’s you!
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on somewhat friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way. We offer you this separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and different world views.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.
You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.
We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and bio-fuels.
You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them to your country.
We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
You can have your beloved Big Bird, PBS, generational able-bodied welfare cheats food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, dopers and illegal aliens.
We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey Moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.
We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
You can make nice with China, Russia, Iran, Egypt, Libya, Pakistan and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and destroy countries that threaten us.
You can have The Hague, peaceniks, war protesters and “occupiers.” When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, Roseanne Barr and Arianna Huffington.
You may also have the United Nations, but know this, we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone "afordable health care," if you can find any practicing doctors.
We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."
I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing,” "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World.”
We'll practice trickle-down economics, and you can continue to give Keynesianism, trickle up poverty your best shot.
Since it so often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name, our flag and Country Music.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots. If not, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, we’ll let you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Most Sincerely,
Fred Keller
Proud Conservative American
P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, “Hanoi Jane” Fonda and Cindy Sheehan with you.
P.S.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.